So, I've been places, I've done things, and now I'm back. Hopefully that's good enough because I'm not a fan of making excuses and I really have gone and done so much, changed so very much, in ways that only a Living God could do in me. It will all come out in drips and drabs through the things I'll be relating now and in the future, I'm sure.
The beginning of all the changes came when the LORD brought me to a therapist a few months ago. I was stuck. I was in a depressive spiral that nothing could seem to pull me through or out of. I prayed and received my answer of 2 people, one who knows me intimately and one who didn't know me from Adam, saying "Yeah, you might want to talk to a professional about that." So, recognizing it for what it was, I submitted myself to His greater wisdom.
I've never really had a problem admitting when I need help. I've always been quick to read that marriage book, talk to the pastor or get a relationship counselor. It seems ridiculous to me to waste time not reaching out when help is available. My only concern on this one was money. Therapists, and good ones, are fairly notoriously expensive. Fortunately my insurance covered it (uh...actually Thanks, Obama...) and I was able to find an excellent Christian therapist. It took 8 or so visits for us to come to the real crux of the issue and it felt like a tree of bitterness had been pulled out by the roots... and then everything changed. It was, no joke, like the LORD leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Buckle up, buttercup," because over the next few weeks He went to work on me. I seriously had a friend who has some prophetic gifting message me and say, "Uh, I don't know why, but the Lord says to tell you to relax, let go, and whatever is going to happen is going to be good, no matter how scary it might look." They had no idea my situation at all and the timing was spot on.
I have grown in Christ more in the past two weeks than probably the past three years and, as things of the Spirit often are, it is very hard to describe. So much has changed. How I react to stressors, how I relate to my kids, my wife, the LORD Himself, and most surprising of all is how I feel about my writing has all changed.
There was a hole, as there usually is when a tree is uprooted, that I could sense in the Spirit. I knew that I needed to fill it in or another tree would take its place or even the same one as before. So, I asked around to the important people in my life who were also Christ followers what it was was that they do for their devotions. I needed to fill that hole left behind with a spiritual practice. I was already reading my Bible and praying but something else needed to be added.
My spiritual mentor told me about how she wakes early every day and listens for God. We spend so much of our Christian walk talking to/at God and hardly any time listening intently. So, I woke up at 5 am, told the LORD what I was up to and waited. What happened was almost indescribable. I guess the easiest way to say it is that I have a renewed sense of His constant presence. Most of that first session and some of those after (I have in fact been up at 5 every morning for this ever since) I'm pretty sure was the Holy Spirit rifling through my sub conscious going, "Don't need this...don't need this...this shouldn't have ever been here in the first place...I know I didn't put this here so out it goes..." And life has been so different. Peace. Joy. I was so the opposite of depressed that I put my therapy sessions on hold indefinitely. I'm react so much more readily with care and compassion. And the best part is I know that it's not because of me. When I studied Zen, Paganism, Kabbalah back in my wild youth it was all about my performance which led to pride and ego inflation and looking down at those "less spiritual" than I. This? He is doing the heavy lifting, making the changes, and causing the things within me to become more and more like His Son, Jesus Christ. I couldn't force this change if I tried.
Now, that is all setup for what I wanted to say in this entry: He is in the silences waiting for you.
We spend so much time watching movies, playing video games, filling our lives with entertainment, noise and distractions; so much so that we almost have to yell at each other just to be heard. And yes, from time to time God will "yell" at us. We get in the car turn on the radio, we have our eyes pulled away from the road and each other by notifications on our phone and we want to send the kids to this or that and then we've got to do drive thru on the way home and we are so wound up or are done with the kids that we put them in front of the TV while they eat and then we can't wait to get them to bed so we can have time with our spouse to watch that one show which we then binge too late into the night and we sleep 6 hours and then hit the snooze button too many times and then have to scramble to get the kids to school and ourselves to work, and then when we get done with work we get in the car, we turn on the radio...and then wonder "Why don't I hear anything from God in my life?? Why is He silent?!?!" (and just so we're clear...this was me, not me judging someone else)
What I have found is that the Lord is a lion lurking in the silences. He is a still small voice waiting to pounce and in modern society we give Him less and less opportunity. We have to make the opportunity. You have to carve out time with a machete if you want to hear Him, hack away at the idols in our own lives, and one of the hardest idols to slash is our self.
I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to wake up faithfully every day at 5 and if He hadn't actually led me there during a period of transition I don't know that I would have done it at all. I would be on the same vicious cycle of distracting myself and wondering if He was even listening at all when it was me who didn't care to listen.
The World will make the most of any opportunity to push back, to drop a crisis in our lap, to distract us with a phone notification, pull us into being emotionally explosive about some political thing done by people who don't even know or care that you actually exist but you care so greatly about though you have no effect, because if you have even 10 minutes of silence, 10 minutes to breathe, the Lord will pounce. I do not doubt that this is the reality one bit. (again...because this was me)
When we look at the Biblical vision of Sabbath it is with the intention of God's people having rest, quiet, peace. That is where I truly believe God really operates on people.
When do most major changes in people's lives happen? When a heart attack or something major malady puts them in the hospital and all they have is time to look, breathe, think, and reassess...or watch daytime TV which ultimately gets people to turn that off as well. He is there, lurking in the rest and in the silence, waiting for the opportunity to leap/pounce into the lives of His people.
The Bible is full of references to testing the Lord's promises, invitations to "taste and see", and that is one of the most life changing things you'll ever do...because when God basically says, "C'mon...I dare you..." (and believe me, that's what "taste and see" is...a Holy dare) He's always going to do exactly what He said He would do.
Pax,
W
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