I'm up late tonight. Normally I sleep well enough, but my wife offered to make chai and...well, if you've never had my wife's chai let's just say that you are missing out on one of the finer pleasures in life. I forgot, however, that since turning 37 last year my body is processing things like caffeine differently. Once upon a time I was capable of drinking a whole pot of coffee in one sitting and then stretch, yawn, and fall immediately to sleep. Nowadays even a cup of innocent seeming green tea will keep me wired.
I've been reflecting a lot lately on children. Specifically why God gives us children at all. I believe that God's purposes for things in our life are multifaceted and the trick is to catch the flash of divine light off each facet. As such, perpetuation of the species isn't the only reason we have children.
Most obviously, children round our sharp edges. Grandparents are clear evidence of this. Grandparents don't smile only because they get to give the kids back at the end of the visit. They've got the priorities straight. They know, through trial and error...but mostly error, what is and isn't important. Where in their youth they may have freaked out at a furniture scratch, or upholstery stain they realize none of this stuff stays around anyway. Face time, smiles, giggles, cookies, ice cream, loving, and being loved are the things that eternity is made of. When a grandparent raises their voice it's usually for a perfectly good reason. When they stand firm on something they know it's a hill worth fighting on. The younger the parent, generally, the more abundant the "fighting hills" there are.
When we parent we get a much clearer understanding of our own heavenly Father. I can't count the number of times I've said things to my kids and have practically felt the Father nudge me when it applies to my own relationship with him. "Listen, if you could only see what I see then you wouldn't worry about it." "I'm you're Papa. I only want the best for you, and that's why I insist you obey me on these things. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm actually trying to keep you from harm." "You're a part of me, child. How could you imagine that I don't love you?" "I delight in you even when you can't see me watching." "Nothing makes me happier than watching you be exactly who you are."
One of the surprising things has been in the area of relationships. The LORD is pretty sneaky with this one. When I married my wife it would have been very easy for the two of us to just become hermits. We got scolded for being too focused on each other at a few social gatherings. Now, when you marry your best friend and you married her for the right reasons I'm not sure what people expect. She's the most interesting person I know and I love her enough to pledge my life to her so...yeah...surprise! We used to leave Church as soon as the Pastor dismissed. We were quite content with our little "Nation of Two". Kids don't let you do that. Children force you into social situations, force you to stay in them longer, force you to at least try to engage in social interaction and forge relationships. When the Kingdom is made of the very stuff of relationships it shouldn't be too surprising that the LORD finds ways to gradually, lovingly, force us into making them.
Finally, because I've finally burned off the energy from the chai, the perpetual "why?" of a child is more than just information gathering. I can't count the number of times my eldest has questioned me on things and it's made me analyze and then re-analyze just why I believe something. I'm a big proponent of self analysis and consider myself an avid questioner of my beliefs, but it would be a lot more lax of a personal philosophy if it wasn't for my children. The other day my daughter asked me why Christians were being killed over in the middle east. My daughter is so very precious to me beyond just the "cute sweetie" thing. My mother's own way of thinking was "If they're old enough to ask the question they're old enough for the answer" and I've followed that ever since. I explained that because they believe in Jesus and the Bible another group who believes something different thinks it's a crime worthy killing. My daughter's done AWANA and Sunday school, etc. By all accounts she's a "good Christian kid". In that moment, because of her questioning, I realized that maybe she doesn't understand the big "why". Why do we believe what we believe? I already know that my own whys are constantly evolving but her's have barely just begun. She's been given a constant barrage of stories and information, but she'd never actually sad down and read a book of the Bible chapter by chapter. Why do people die for our faith on a daily basis? Why not, as she asked a little later, just lie and say you don't believe and stay alive?
As a result we started in John and have been going through a bit at a time. This is where we get to the truly amazing part of raising children. More than anything we get to go over it all again ourselves. Kids keep us mentally young. They exhaust us mentally and physically, don't get me wrong. But when they see something for the first time we get the chance to fling back to when we were that age seeing it for the first time ourselves. We get the opportunity to remember and get in touch with our most pure self. For me at least the adult stuff, the psych damage from whatever toxic source I allowed unwittingly to damage me, starts to slough off and I remember who I really am at my core. I get to remember what it's like to trust completely and love fiercely, because in the end that's what the Father's called us to and it would be so easy to forget.
Pax,
W
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