Throwing the Catholic Baby Out With the Bathwater....

Over the past week, since I kissed Facebook goodbye, I have been doing quite a bit of thinking regarding my Christian walk.  (It's probably appropriate to end that sentence with something self deprecating, yet fully accurate, like "or lack thereof")  I came to the realization that I REALLY don't know how to "do this".

One of the greater dangers of Protestantism is the freedom it engenders.  (For those who don't know me insert the "no...I'm not saying I want to go back to Catholicism..." disclaimer here.)  I've mentioned in other posts that during my own childhood it was quite confusing to come to the front of the church with my soul stirred by an altar call only to say the prayer, be patted on the head, given a "gift Bible" and sent to sit with the other believers like a good boy.  I'm sure I was not the only one to ever receive the treatment and wonder, "Uh...this is it?".  It's quite a bit like hitting twenty-one and you realize that the next big age based event on the calendar is an "Over The Hill" party.

Pentecostals have another thing to look forward to after conversion in the "Baptism of the Holy Spirit".  After that you find out your gifting, put it into use, given opportunities to practice it and it's all so exciting.  The problem there is that eventually people start manufacturing excitement, manufacturing "crisis" that must be spoken in tongues over etc.  At least that was my experience in a few places.  Most people become addicted to drama.  I, on the other hand, get terribly fatigued by drama. (The last time I encountered Church-drama someone sent me a letter in order to "Tell on the Pastor" I threw it in the trash without opening it because I was just tired of the back biting, slandering, and petty behavior.  We never cause so much damage or fight so hard as when there is so little at stake.)

Over the years I've gotten up the courage (or frustration...usually frustration) to ask something along the lines of "What the heck do I do now?!".  I'm seeking some way to "do" this things call Christian life and I've often been frustrated with the answer.  It's a freedom loving answer.  It's always a very non-committal answer of, "Well...ya know...read the Bible.  Prayer.  Prayer is good.  Love your neighbor.  And..well...that sort of thing."  

I understand that no body in Protestant circles wants to tell another EXACTLY what to do.  There is a whiff of legalism that tends to follow there, but sometimes I wonder how much not having outlines of options creates something of a "option paralysis" in more than just me.  "Well, try reading in the morning.  You know...if you want.  Like, maybe in the morning.  Or in the afternoon.  Or...ya know...whenever.  Try and fit prayer in there somewhere.  If it's important to you, you'll figure it out."  I always hated that last phrase which is more kiss off than I'm comfortable with.  Because I can't figure it out then it isn't important to me.  Why did I ask you about it?  OH, to help me figure it out.  Yeah.

Maybe it is just me, as things often tend to be, but too much freedom on a specific thing tends to make me feel like it can just be left up to chance.  I want to make Jesus the focus of my life, the very rhythm of the song of my existence, I want it to take up my identity and the best those who came before me (who are alive to talk to) can come up with is, "Well...ya know...do...or...do not...God loves you either way!"

And this is why Catholicism (for all its faults) sounds so good.  There is pattern, there is rhythm, there is ritual.  You wake up, you do this.  You go about your day, you go to mass daily, you say your rosary, you pray at these times.  It has shape, structure, and solidity to it.  Does it slip into "If you don't do it this way you are going to hell." ?  Yeah.  Absolutely there is that danger.  But what you do proclaims to the world and reflects back to yourself who you are and to whom you belong.

I remember as a teenager having a conversation with one of my parents (ok...argument is probably more accurate) and I threw something in their face about how they don't pray or read the Bible.  I was being a snot and more concerned with winning the argument than what was actually true, so I went for the kidney shot which with my parents was their faith.  They'd live but I wanted to make it hurt for a long while after.  They whipped around on me and rightly told me that I have no idea whatsoever they do with their time.  I didn't see what they do in the privacy of their bedroom, or when I wasn't around.  I'm almost completely certain that their intention was to keep to the New Testament idea about keeping those things private, and possibly so I could make my own decisions when it came to faith in Jesus, that my coming to him would be genuine and honest.

In retrospect I see the rightness of what they said, but I wonder what I missed out on.  Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and Mormons for crying out loud each have systems for their faith.  All the Mormons I knew went and attended classes at their church buildings every morning before school to learn about their faith and how to defend it.  I still maintain that they probably know more about the Old and New Testament than I do because of their head start.  In Catholic and Jewish (orthodox) families they teach their children "This is how you do it.  This is how you read this.  This is what this means.  This is how we act and here is why."  Protestantism, as I've seen and understand it, has had as a byproduct a sense of "Ain't nobody going to tell me how to do this" and so we tend to err on the side of, "Come to Jesus and be nice".  

"So, why don't you just figure out a way to do it that works for you and just do it, man?"

I will.  Believe me I will get to doing that.  In a sense I feel that I'm also looking for community.  So many people are obsessed with the dual video screens and Hillsong style worship that lasts twice as long as any sermon you might get and then go out to eat, go home and watch the Broncos once a week as the way to do this Christianity thing, and I'm not there anymore if ever I really was.  Maybe it's because I'm staring 40 in the eye and I distrust things that play with my emotions.  Anyway, the point is that there is a sense of belonging in doing things the same way with others who follow Jesus and the "grab bag" sort of walk hasn't been working.  It's causing a bit of discontent that I think comes from a divine place.  

So, what works for you?  How do you inject Jesus into your life daily?  What's your "pattern" of "ritual"?

Pax,

W

Why I Left Facebook Behind...

Two weeks ago I turned by back on the largest social media platform on the planet: Facebook.  It was a fairly bold move on my part because I have been plugged into a mass social media outlet since the days of Livejournal, long before Myspace (the deposed, malformed cousin of the current King Facebook).  That reaches uncomfortabley into the late 90s which makes it nearly 20 years of immediate connectedness; 20 years of soaking in the reflected splendor of likes, comments, re-posting and the like.  The "problem", such as it may be, was that I remember the world before all of this "greater connectedness".  I remember a world where your self worth didn't hang on your every word, tweet, and Instagram post of your dinner.

It was easy to look at my posts and say that "Hey, look!  I'm communicating!  That's why I'm here."  The truth was far more subtle and more insidious than I thought.

Scientists have discovered that the reason people are so seemingly addicted to their phones is that when we check our messages, when we get a "like" alert, when someone reposts our stuff, when we read a funny post we get a little endorphin hit.  Anytime the day slows down or even a conversation slows down we reach for our phones hoping to get a tiny dose of endorphins.  Success in a game does this as well, which contributes to the rise in mobile gaming.  We chose that instead of being bored or working through the awkward silences.  I noticed that I'd be out to a meal with a group of people and as soon as I was done eating, once I was done being self absorbed, I'd start itching to pull out my phone.  Inevitably some brave soul who couldn't take it anymore would break the proverbial "seal" and pull out their phone.  With that social "permission" it was off to the races as everyone did the same.

Now, I don't want you, dear reader, to believe I am condemning those who do that.  I was once one of them.  I feel the craving even now even though I have deleted the app.  The above were merely minor facets of a greater problem.  It seems strange to say that me "happiness" was affected by social media, but which of us can say that it isn't true?

We are built to crave things, built to want satisfaction.  So many of the impulses we fall prey to fulfill something deep in us.  Whole industries are built on our desire for food, sex, and, social media the biggest of all, the approval of others.  It didn't matter whether it was a "like" on a post or an argument that I got into, it was quite a drug.  I can't count the number of times I was involved writing something witty or responding to someone's argument and my son wanted to talk to/play with me and I shoved him aside (figuratively).  His pouting had little to no affect on me at the time.  As I look back I'm ashamed by that behavior.

That was the first moment I realized I had a problem, that something wasn't quite right about this.  I realized that it was addictive behavior.

 One of the greatest reasons I used social media, one of which I already mentioned above, was in argument.  I'm not talking about argument as in a fight for merely a fight's sake, I mean it in the classical sense.  If anyone engages me in conversation and says something I know little to nothing about the chances are that I'll begin to ask questions about that subject.  If the responses don't match up with my experience or understanding then I will pursue that line of questioning challenging the individual.  Not in a confrontational way, though the internet doesn't have much flexibility of tone so it often gets construed as that.  My goal in all things is to find the truth and the heart of the matter and that often requires questioning...which can wrankle people.  In person or on-line I am super sensitive to one particular tactic.  When I question a statement/belief I will often ask a few questions in response.  The individual then either a) gives an oblique phrase that sounds like it answers the question but provides no answers at all (politicians do this all the time) or b) answer one question and purposely forget all the others.  This...drives...me...nuts.

Back in the beginnings of social media the idealistic notion was that we would all communicate en masse and come to a better understanding with each other.  We would engage with one another, ideas would collide and the species would be greater for it.  That was the promise.  The reality was hardly surprising when I think back on it.  The pioneers who blazed the trail WERE the open minded seekers of truth...those who followed behind reinforced societal norms of cliques and punishing by insult and exclusion those who refused to go along.  Instead of fully exploring an idea among equally curious and open minded individuals and thereby come to a synthesis of ideas it became tribes (or herds if you prefer) of like-minded individuals.  I still believe that this is the power of the internet, but the outliers, the "mavericks", and open minded have either been consumed or have found a different fringe upon which to hold their meetings.  Popularity of a medium can be a terrible thing.  And this was another facet of my frustration.  Few in this world are looking to have their ideas and beliefs challenged in open, honest discourse.  The dream became a nightmare...or,  most appropriately, a nightMIRE that few can escape from.

The time suck was another facet, and the one that ultimately was the final straw.  There were so many things I could be doing with all that time.  Writing was the first thing that sprang to mind that I never seem to have time for.  The one that hit my heart the hardest (and the reason I'm writing this on my spirituality blog) was that I never seemed to have time to focus on my Bible or prayer.  I'd sit down, get a notification and *poof* thirty minutes later that rabbit trail was fully explored.  "This will just take a second," I'd say and half an hour would be gone.

I wish that I could tell you that Facebook is gone and now I'm reading my Bible and praying regularly as intended.  Of course not.  There is within my flesh a rebellion and that shouldn't have come as much of a surprise to me as it did.  There are a thousand other distractions in life that my sin nature is very happy to revel in rather than read the very words of the God who fashioned every atom and sacrificed himself to pay my sin debt.  Yeah, when I thought of it like that I felt pretty small too.  And this infinite God who effortlessly directs the courses of nations and the future of mankind as a whole, who loves me and prepares a way for me...that God actually WANTS me to talk to him and I'd rather watch the first season of "The Great British Baking Show" AGAIN than do that.

The two days after quitting Facebook have had a profound affect on my.  I am more present, more focused, more patient and engaged with everything around me.  But the greatest thing so far in these admittedly early stages of "detox" has been one particular realization.  My previous Pastor had a mentor who often told him many years ago that he had a broken "wanter".  That means that the things he wanted were not the things that were best for him, that his desires were leading to places that were the opposite of healthy things.  That is accurate of all of us.  Quitting Facebook made me realize just how broken my "wanter" is because I slowed down and was left with little to do but ruminate, to think thoughts without somewhat regular interruptions.  There has been a silence to where now I can think and process instead of moving from one notification to the next, or crafting something witty to get "likes".

Again, I don't condemn those on Facebook.  If you have an account we can still be friends, by all means, and if you check your phone while we are out to eat I won't glare.  I don't think negatively of those who do.  This is just where I'm at for me...and things are getting better.


Pax,

W

That Awkard Moment...

When you got to a Church service and the Pastor talks about how the Pharisees in Jesus day were not just holy in word but also in deed, that they practiced what they preached....and then your devotional two days latter leads you to Matthew 23 and you hit verse 3.

We Played...And You Did Not Dance

A few weeks ago I was challenged by someone.  I don't even remember the context although it was probably me hating on social media even though I'm clearly dependent on it.

They said "Man's purpose was never to be entertained, but to know and experience God." (From memory...I'm probably botching that)  It really hit me hard, so hard that it's pretty much ruined me.  I've spent more than a few nights looking at my Netflix queue, my PS4, even my board games and I keep wondering "What the hell I am doing?"  That one comment has been like a virus, infecting my night time thoughts, especially those right before bed.  It's so basic, so foundational in fact that it shook the house of my faith.

A few days later a quote from Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" popped up on my Facebook feed talking about how one of the greatest things that demons is the human desire for something novel, new, and exciting.  

Both of those incidences manage to get me all ajumble inside.  None of it sat well with me and I'm glad that it didn't.

Honestly, I've spent a lot of my life not knowing who I am.  I've been in love with Jesus.  That's the best way that I can put it.  There are a lot of people who like Jesus or are just in love with Jesus.  He sounds great, he did a lot for us, we like the warm fuzzies...but how many of us enter into a committed relationship with him?  Like marriage level?  I'm not sure that I have before.  I certainly met Jesus, liked Jesus, and loved Jesus, but I think we are called to more than than just "dating Jesus".  Dating Jesus, to me, means that I spend some happy times with him and then go about my life when it's not Sunday or other times that I'm "available" to Him by choice.  Sure, I'm not seeing Buddha, Krishna, or Mohammed at the same time but dating isn't really a commitment.  I've said "I'm a Christian" and now I am beginning to understand that what I've been saying by that is, "Yeah, Jesus and I hang out.  We hold hands.  We talk about life.  You know.  He blesses me from time to time and I praise him."

A far different thing is what I think we are called to: "Marriage".  Literally taking his name.  I'm not talking about a cross around my neck or calling myself a "Christian", but to actually make him the fundamental figure and substance of my identity.  That's different than being in orbit around Jesus.  It's landing on the planet, sabotaging your own engines so you can never leave, setting up a shelter, and committing yourself to living in Him, breathing him in, and seeing everything from that perspective.

I'll admit I've been scared of doing that.  There is a certain anxiety in giving it all up like we've been called to, and there is no doubt that we have been called to die to self, to leave our old lives behind.

Today I was walking through a store that caters to all fandoms.  The complete spectrum from Star Wars, Supernatural, Attack on Titan, and everything in between was represented. It was quite mind boggling.  There was the core media products and then aisle after aisle of plushes, 1/8 models, key chains and memorabilia.  And I realized something very uncomfortable.  It's just for myself and my own wonderings.  I don't want to be confused as judging others at this point.  But suddenly I wondered...these are our legends and each legend almost has its own religion of sorts.

Have I crossed over into worship of Doctor Who when I spend more time watching the show, reading the novels, collecting the comics, admiring the memorabilia, and giving it my focused attention than I do the Lord Jesus and the Bible let alone talking about Him and spending time in his presence through prayer or any of the surrounding activities?  Can it be said that I am a disciple of the risen Lord Jesus when he is not my chief preoccupation?

If nothing else it exposes a significant deficiency in my heart, mind, and soul.

We don't have to go far in the relationship metaphor to find that this will cause issues.  If a husband makes his wife a "Football Widow" there is some neglect and friction that will have an impact.  If a spouse spends more time talking to and about a different member of the opposite sex than their own spouse what is going to happen?  Even if the neglected spouse isn't jealous will that relationship suffer?  I think we would all say that, quite naturally, it would.  As a Christian I'm called to love the "Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and...I can honestly say I don't make the cut there.

I watch my kids and they are constantly begging to be entertained, as if that's the aim of life.  And apparently I've taught them that it is.  I feel the spirit's prompting, however, in a different direction.

If man's chief purpose is not to be entertained what is it?

The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever....and I've barely been about the business of either.

Pax,

W