It is amazing how we cling to things. I have marveled at my own inability to let go. When Paul talks about beating his flesh into submission in 1 Corinthians 9, he ain't joking. It is insanely difficult to just give up sugar let alone the pet sins in our lives.
I find that Lent can be a master class in letting these things go. You get to the end of yourself and have to rely on God because there is no more of yourself to rely on. If it was up to me I'd have that maple bar. I'd dig deep into that creme brulee or indulge in my greatest temptation...Pepsi.
I had a really big moment in my Lenten journey. It might sound like I am making an excuse or being a bit of a hypocrite, and I considered that. But something changed in me. I was at my favorite coffee shop (seriously, the best latte I've ever had and it was without a flavored syrup) and the owner recognized me from a Google review I put online. Without a word he came over and put a personal sized (not full slice) blackberry cheesecake in front of me. I said, "Wow" and thanked him. It sat there for a few minutes while I kept writing my new novel. I looked from my laptop screen to the cheesecake and I realized that there was a complete absence of compulsion. My mouth didn't salivate. I didn't feel any longing or like if I pushed it away, said no thank you or something, that I would have missed out. It was just a thing. Just a piece of food. And if you've seen me, I'm 291 pounds (down from 298 on Ash Wednesday, woohoo). I'm a man who has eaten his fair share of cheese cake, cheese, and cake. Not feeling anything was kind of a big deal.
The man, I knew from overhearing a conversation from last time, is an artisan. He makes 98% of the menu on site. "Everything but the coffee beans, and we don't churn the butter," he said with a laugh. I'm not an artisan, but I am a professionally trained cook and when I present somebody with something I've worked on, and am proud of and they refuse it hurts. A lot. He takes great pride in his work, and I realized (again, as much of an excuse as it sounds like) that it was about doing something to not offend. Paul, of course, talks about this in being a Jew to the Jewish, Greek to the Greek, etc. Was it a sin to partake during Lent? If I was Catholic enough I might say that, but I'm not. Grace is extreme and I wasn't violating the actual purpose of Lent in my heart. Had it been earlier when I was really struggling I might have said something, but no. Had I eaten the cheesecake and then felt horrible about it then maybe I would have written a different post. And this is where the analogy of our little addictions being the same as sins breaks down. It's instructive, illustrative in fact, but not equal to. It was enough that during the first two weeks of Lent the Lord broke a major stronghold and after ingesting the artisan, hand crafted, blackberry cheesecake the craving was still not there. At least not in the sanity clawing, soul shredding intensity it was before.
On the interesting but not necessarily spiritually relevant side, I have spent years suffering from acid reflux type symptoms. For ages it did not matter if I ate acidic stuff or not, I would be popping the antacids. At first it was kind of a "Huh...I wonder if sugar is responsible..." and then I ate the cheesecake. The evening and all the next morning I had such acid attacks. I am pretty certain I will not going back to sugar anymore after Lent is finished. It will mean no diabetes, which I'm sure has been a concern of a few family and close friends.
Pax,
W
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